


There He Goes (Full Version)

by lilolilyrae



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-04 10:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14591163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: For Taramis, for telling me to write this after reading the drabble version :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Taramis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taramis/gifts).
  * Inspired by [There He Goes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14537190) by [lilolilyrae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae). 



> For Taramis, for telling me to write this after reading the drabble version :)

It's been four days.

Clint know he shouldn't worry, Coulson's the most competent guy there is. If anyone could single-handedly bring down a weapons smuggling ring, it'd be him.

And Phil isn't alone, he's got five baby agents with him, plus it's not an entire snuggling ring but just one last location. It's been two days, and the mission was planned for a week.

Clint really shouldn't worry.

But the mission was only set up for three days, an easy in and out milkrun, that's why Coulson went with the Baby Agents in the first place... And it's weird, staying behind at HQ with nothing to do after being Coulson's eyes up high for so long.

 

 

Bored, Clint makes his way back to SHIELD, thinking maybe he can go to the range for a while or find Natasha and practice their sparring. He hasn't see so much of her lately, her spy skills needed elsewhere than his quite obvious signature arrow shooting... Clint doesn't even know for sure whether she's on base. But checking doesn't hurt.

And if she's not there, maybe he'll even go to a break room and _socialise_  with whoever's there if there's nothing else to do available... Just anything to get away from his own thoughts.

Because boredom and worry don't mix well, clouding his mind with anxious thoughts.

Unnecessary thoughts. There's no reason at all to have a bad feeling. 

 

Making his way through a corridor, he hears the voices of some junior agents- Morris and maybe Teylor? There's too many of them, it's like they're constantly multiplying over night.

Damn, he really must be getting old, he used to hate it when senior agents weren't able to tell him apart from his peers despite having been on the same mission just weeks ago...

Coulson was always the only one to care enough to at least learn everyone's names, and Clint is determined to do the same, but it is so _hard_! Which really just makes his admiration for Phil even worse.

 

As the agents come closer, Clint is able to make out more of what they say. 

"I've just heard it was a mission gone wrong in Belarus, but I didn't think it was _that_ bad... I mean, Hill calls a mission a bad one when we use too much ammunition"

"I'm telling you, this one's completely FUBAR! No survivors, it looks like not even the old robot made it out!" 

 

Clint freezes in his steps.

He's nearly by the corner, and he lets the junior agents- they _are_ Morris and Teylor, Phil will be proud- walk past the hallway, glad they're not looking in his direction. He must look like he saw a ghost. 

Belarus, _robot agent_ , that sounds like- but Phil's not _old_ , he really isn't! 

Clint knows he should focus on another part of what he heard, age really isn't as important as someone being alive or not, but it's like his brain can't grasp it...

Phil can't be dead, he just- he _can't!_

Phil's the one constant in Clint's life since he joined SHIELD. The one real reason to stay. Because sure, the Agency's a good thing I'm general, definitely better than merc work, but Clint's not sure he'd've managed to stick around for so long, working together with all those exhausting people, if it hadn't been for Phil.

Maybe it's another agent with the nickname robot that the juniors were talking about. Maybe no-one even died. Maybe- maybe-

But they're SHIELD. They're Agents, they're doing a dangerous job, and people don't tend to live till retirement age.

Clint hates what he overheard.

Like on autopilot, he makes his way to the nearest entry to the vents, and climbs until he's over Fury's office. Because Phil and Fury are friends, or something, there's no way the man wouldn't know if something really want wrong. 

If Fury's sitting on his desk like usual, everything's alright. 

It's gotta be alright. 

 

Fury's not in his office. 

Clint continues to crawl through the shaft, making his way to hills office and- no. That's Fury right there, and he's shouting, Clint's never heard him that angry, and Fury's angry nearly all of the time.

No.

Please, no.

Hill says they lost communication with the last agent shortly after he declared Coulson and the other's KIA, so there was no-one there to affirm it- 

But Clint has heard enough.

He crawls backwards, it's like his brain completely forgot how to function, he doesn't even really know where he's going until- that's Phil's office under him, he'd find and recognise it in his sleep.

Opening the hatch, Clint is so out of it hrle nearly falls out of vent, and the hatch crashes down with him as he tries to grasp onto something. 

"Aww, vent, no!"

It's the first time he said something today.

Usually his first words of the day are either to Phil or to Natasha.

Looking at the broken peace of metal on the floor, next to Phil's desk with the neat piles of paperwork, Clint breaks.

 

He just collapses, falling to the floor in a crying heap.

In Phil's office, it's suddenly way too real.

He doesn't know how long he's there, crying his eyes out, until his thoughts start working again enough for him to realise that he doesn't want to be found in this state.

Dragging himself to the door, he locks it- he knows Phil's codes since forever- and sits down on the couch. 

It's a nice couch, and he still strongly suspects that Phil bought it because of him, because Phil's office was one of the first places he was able to sleep in, even though Phil always said he just needed a change in his workplace and not to worry.

Phil is just always like that, caring and empathic and _nice_ and never expecting anything in return.

Was.

He was like that.

Clint feels his heart break over and over again, until finally he sinks into a restless sleep.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it so far, leave a comment and let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the sweet reactions on the first chapter! I hope this will do your expectations justice :D
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING vry brief mention of suicidal thoughts

The next days pass in a blur for Clint.

He wants to accompany the backup (and body retrieval) mission to Molodechno, begs to be allowed to go, because he really wants to at least get Phil's body back, he owes the man that much.

Hill tells him that he has to save his strength because he will go on mission next week as planned, and she won't budge.

Clint is devastated. 

And honestly, he's not sure he'll be able to go on any other missions without seeing Phil's body first, so why waste the time?

Everything hurts, sometimes physically when he forgets to breathe properly for too long, but always mentally, always in his heart.

 

Two days later, with the retrieval mission already on its way, Natasha comes back from wherever she was in the field.

Clint doesn't know, doesn't care about anything enough to move from his spot in the vent over Phil's office. He didn't even tell her about Phil's death. Later, he'll feel sorry for that, but she'll keep assuring him that it's okay. He had different things on his mind.

Now, she comes to find him in the vent, bringing water and energy bars, and she fixes the hatch that broke down that day he heard the news before climbing up to him, cuddling close and not saying anything. He's grateful, she knows what he needs- and what would just make it worse. They spend the night in the vents, and as Natasha's steady breathing lulls him into sleep, Clint knows he will actually feel a little more energy after this night.

 

The relieve doesn't last long. Natasha is called back out on a mission the next day. It's the one Clint should've been thr specialist on, he doesn't even notice that she took his place.

Before leaving, she comes back, bringing a blanket and pulling him into another hug.

"I didn't know him for as long as you did, маленькая птица, but I know how much he meant to you, and I know he was a good man, so he'd want for you to move on some day. Take care, brother mine"

He doesn't reply, and with that, she's gone.

 

 

That night, Clint can't sleep at all.

Maybe it's because he's missing Natasha now, too, maybe just because he isn't exhausted enough after dozing the entire time and actually resting the night before.

He starts roaming through the vents again after most lower level agents leave at about eleven, with no specific purpose, just basking in the solitude and loneliness, two feelings so similar yet things he tends to feel at different times, and the combination is drowning him.

At about one in the night, when only the extremely ambitious agents or the ones currently working missions are left, he starts moving in broader patterns, but he keeps returning to Phil's office every once in a while, even when it's a detour from his current path.

Mapping the ventilation system and trying to feel excited when he finds shortcuts he's never been to before. He catches himself at the thought that he'd rather throw himself in one of the turning metal blades of the air conditioning.

No, that's not what he really wants. Clint doesn't much believe in a life after death, and even if there is he's sure he wouldn't be sorted with Phil. Plus, he's always believed in the philosophy to try to survive first as you could always die later, so he will keep trying now, especially for Phil.

 

At four in the morning, the first higher levels that didn't just stay the night show back up to work. They're nearly as bad in their caffeine consumption as Phil was.

That's when Clint notices that he's getting better at using the past tense when thinking about the man, ever fast to adapt to changes, as it has saved his life a lot of times in the past.

In this case, he hates it.

 

At five, there are young agents in battered tac suits making their way through the hallways.

Clint draws back from the area around the hangar, knowing that especially new agents who just came back in from a mission are more likely to spot an abnormaly like someone moving through the vents, easy to startle, and very likely to attack everything that startles them.

 

Camping out over a break room, he overhears a few level fives talking about the latest returns back to base: a rescue mission from Belarus.

Rescue, not retrieval. 

Rescue mission means there was someone to rescue. Someone _alive_.

Could it be? Even if the team already made it back so fast, even if they found someone alive, it doesn't mean it's Phil.

But still, for the time being his death doesn't seem so definite... 

Maybe, just maybe, did he overheard good news this time? But Clint can't yet believe it.

Still, silently he moves through the ventilation to make his way back to the hangar. He drops down from the vents a few hallways away, knowing that he'd probably get an easier overview from the vents, but maybe he just doesn't want the spark of hope to die yet, by seeing it's a different mission, or by seeing someone else alive next to Phil's corpse.

 

 

Walking around the last corner, he freezes in his steps.

Phil.

_Phil!_

He's standing there, dirty, clothes ripped, obviously exhausted and dehydrated- and the most beautiful thing Clint has ever seen.

 

Phil doesn't see him immediately, he's got his head down typing on a tablet- obviously already back in work mode as always, how can the guy honestly pretend like he hadn't just been declared dead and just go back to normal??

 _"Phil!_ "

Only once he said it does Clint notice how loud he just was. He nearly hates himself for shouting at the other like that.  
But then he remembers that Phil always told him he deserves shit, too. Like not being lied to- like not suffering heartbreak. And even if none of it was Phil's fault, it was the outcome for Clint, and his heart still aches.

Phil looks up at the shout and as his wide eyes meet Clint's it feels like a punch into- everywhere. He thought he'd never see those eyes again.

 

The agents nearby scramble away, obviously thinking that they don't want to get inbetween an angry Clint Barton and a robot Agent Coulson who isn't known to be nice to people who disrespect him.

Clint ignores them all.  
  
He walks up to Phil with purpose, until he's standing right in front of him.

"I thought you were dead!"

"I- I'm sorry, I"

Phil's at a loss for words, and Clint's ready to start a rant, but from up close he sees even more how shitty Phil looks right there, and he curses himself for not focusing on it first.

"Did you even sleep? No, and I bet you shouldn't be walking right now, much less continue working, why are you not being checked out by some nurse or something? Why does no-one chase after you when you ditch the docs like they do with me? They might think you're a responsible adult but when it comes to yourself you're clearly not!"

Clint ushers Phil into his office, not knowing whether his monologue makes sense and not much caring for it.

 

Closing the door, he turns back to Phil. The other man is just standing in the middle of the room, looking completely lost, and- are his eyes swimming a bit? Oh, fuck.

He locks the door again, knowing that Phil might change it now that he knows Clint knows it, but this is more important, Phil can't loose his reputation as a badass robot and anyways Phil probably knew beforehand and didn't do anything to stop Clint.

"Come on Sir, sit down you look exhausted" he gently touches Phil's arm, trying to move him towards the couch. 

At the soft touch, Phil crumbles, and tears spill over his face.

"Aww Phil no, why are you crying?" Clint pulls the other man into a hug and moves them both to sit on the sofa, still holding him close.

"I just tried to hold it together to finish my report, I just- I know once I-" Phil's fingers are still clinging to his tablet, and Clint gently lifts it from his hands and places it on the desk before sitting back down.

"Is it just the exhaustion or do you want to talk about anything? Doesn't have to be me, of course, but if..."

Phil's hands stop him from moving away, clinging to his shirt. "Stay, please. You are perfect."

 

Clint blushes despite it all.

"I'm honoured, Sir"

Phil snorts bitterly through his tears. "Honoured? To see me lose it? And didn't we have this talk, first names are alright when it's not a professional environment. And this is hardly professional." 

"We're still in HQ, Sir. And you were the one to tell me that emotions don't have to make someone unprofessional, Phil... Plus I'll always call you Sir"

Phil laughs through his tears, nodds, and then he starts to cry again, sobbing in earnest and burying his face in Clint's shirt.

Clint holds him, not knowing quite what to do but hoping that it's enough. He never really had many people that trusted him enough to show emotions so openly, even Natasha doesn't show feelings often, but then he isn't sure she has that many most of the time.

He hurts for what Phil must've been through to get into this state.

 

After a while, Phil's sobs start to cease, and he shakily lifts himself off from Clint, trying to regain his composure.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't say sorry, Sir, you have nothing to be sorry for"

Phil just shakes his head and wipes a hand over his face.

"I know it's okay to cry- fuck, it's more than okay to cry after- after-    
And a part of me thinks Cap would think so as well but another part thinks he would see me as weak, and mostly I'm thinking it's silly to think about that right now at all, but if I think about something else it's just-"

"Aww, my fanboy" Clint smiles, before freezing as he realises that he just called Phil 'his'. Maybe he has a chance that the other man didn't notice? Phil just turns in his arms and cuddles closer, seemingly relaxing. 

"Phil? Do you want something to drink, or go to sleep?" 

Phil nodds, then shakes his head.

"Coffee would be nice, I really do need to finish that report... And I wouldn't sleep anyway, I just keep seeing their faces when I close my eyes."

He looks so grave, dragging a hand over his face once again. Clint has never seen the other so distraught, and they've been to quite some tough shit together. 

"Were you- were you the only one who made it out?"

"Jameston made it, too, from what I heard, but I didn't see her... The entire place just crashed from way up, must have been boobie trapped, not even from the ring we've been after, they just went down with it... And then the shooting started, and everyone who hadn't been hit till then got shot dead- they've been so young, you know? And I've- I couldn't do anything- and then the ceiling crashed completely and I was stuck with two of- and I just hoped that at least some would-"

Clint strokes over Phil's back in what he hopes is a soothing way, trying to calm the other man.

"I'll get you that coffee, but only if you promise that once your report is done you'll get yourself checked out and go home, okay?"

Phil just nodds.

 

Once in the hallway, Clint can't hold back a shiver any longer. He knows he has to be strong to help Phil through this, but just thinking about what the other man must have endured...

He's once again glad that as a handler-specialist long distance shots and infiltration team, they don't usually see much combat action or death up close. He can't imagine having to wait beside the bodies of subordinates that were way too young to die, probably not knowing whether anyone would find him in time to survive himself...

Getting Phil's favourite coffee from the breakroom two floors up, he makes his way back to the office. 

Phil is already sitting on his desk, frowning at the paper in front of him but already looking a lot more composed. And Clint isn't kidding himself, he knows first hand that no-one can heal from something like this in a matter of minutes, but it still feels good to see Phil in his usual place.

Putting the coffee on the desk, Clint settles in on the couch to wait. He doesn't plan on it, but, being more relaxed knowing Phil is nearby and save, exhaustion takes the better of him and after a few minutes he's asleep.

 

Clint wakes to a hand tapping on his arm- morse code for wake up, it's Phil, he's save, and more importantly Phil's save, save and alive- 

Clint's immediately awake, looking at Phil's face only inches away from his own.

"Everything alright, Sir?"

"I just sent the report, and as promised I'm going to the infirmary. Thought you might want to accompany me?"

Clint smiles and jumps to his feet.

 

The doctors declare that Phil has a lot of haematomas, possible concussion, two broken and a few bruised ribs, a strained leg and severe dehydration and definitely will be unable to go back in the field until further notice, but do allow him to go home for the night.

Clint scowls. Theory proven, they'd Never just let him leave with broken ribs, concussion and dehydration. 

Phil seems to be reading his thoughts. 

"It's because you are unable to sit still unless bound to a hospital bed, Barton, if you showed the docs some manners they wouldn't have to be this strict"

It's an age-old argument, and Clint smiles at the pleasant familarity of it.

"Nah, Sir, I think they're just afraid of you!"

Phil laughs.

It's the first time Clint really heard that sound since Phil came back, without tears or underlaying pain, and he can't help grinning at him stupidly. 

Phil smiles back.

They walk to the parcade, and Clint nearly starts saying goodbye when he realises that there's no way Phil's fit to drive right now.

"I can give you a ride, Sir?"

"Sure, thank you Barton"

 

Clint's been to Phil's place before, but he still expects a quick goodbye once he's at Phil's place, but instead of getting out of the car Phil turns towards him.

"Come up with me?"

Clint blinks. "Uh, sure?"

Phil smiles gently. "Only if you want to... I'll manage alone, and I probably won't be good company, but I'd like to have you around... And from what you said earlier, I figured you might feel the same way?"

Clint feels the heat rise in his face. Aww, damn, so Phil did hear his unintended possessiveness earlier. But of course, as he says something about feeling the same way...?

"I'd love to"

Phil's answering smile is so worth it.

 

Upstairs, Phil hands him a spare toothbrush, and they stand next to each in the bathroom, not touching but just relaxing in each other's presence.

Then, Phil entwines their hands and moves to the bedroom, and Clint is happy enough to follow, although it's hard for his tired brain to catch up with what's happening. 

Phil just tugs them both under the covers and cuddles close to him, and as if he can read his thoughts, he says "Sleep first, then talk, Clint" before pressing a chaste kiss to his neck.

"Okay, Sir" 

 Clint definitely has no complaints.

 

In Phil's arms, he feels save in a way he hasn't felt maybe in his entire life, and as soon as he notices the other man's breathing getting slower and more even, he's out like a light.

Yeah, they both have their issues, maybe more than ever, but they also have each other, and it's going to be alright. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not supposed to continue to be this angsty after Phil is back? Or for this to be so long?! Idk what happened there!!! XD  
> Anyways if someone wants a fluffier epilogue do let me know, maybe I'll find some time and ideas :}
> 
> маленькая птица = little bird (translated by Google)
> 
> I'm lilolilyrae on tumblr and instagram :)

**Author's Note:**

> I am incredibly happy that I decided to write this!!! Didn't turn out as I expected, but I still like it :) let me know if you do too!


End file.
